I have always thought that everyone is special and has their own story to tell, which is why I’m of the opinion that just about anyone could give some kind of inspirational talk, given the chance and the correct platform. It does seem, though, that if a person has faced something beyond the ordinary, had some experience or fought some disease, that the experience gives them an edge, the ability to see things just a little differently from the rest of the world.

I know that that has happened to me since having had cancer. My life really has not changed dramatically and things really go on as usual. It’s a subtle change, really. Something has changed in me and it touches the way I see things and the way I go about life.

I think it’s the same for all of us who have been in this position.  Cancer is, of course, something that touches so many, not only the patients.


The worst part is seeing everyone else’s reaction. I HATE, above all, causing hurt to those I care about. Now I am acutely aware that I am a mother, wife, sister, aunt, sister-in-law, daughter-in-law – even a cousin, friend and colleague. All those people are affected in some way by this. Seeing how my family react is horrible. They don’t need this. I suppose, none of us do.

I’m not a martyr to the cause, trust me. I almost wish, though, that I could go and be in complete isolation somewhere and go through this, so that no-one else has to suffer because of it. At the same time, though, I know that the very presence of all the people who care will be exactly what I need. Hell, I need it already!

So…God works in mysterious ways…

Today began as a poopie day (as a friend of mine would say). I have felt scared  – not terrified (I’ve done the ‘mortality-terror’ thing), but scared/nervous, with that hollow feeling in the stomach. I decided to go for a run. This turned into a combination of jogging and walking, as my boob is still sore after being harpooned by the biopsy needles on Monday. Anyway, one has many thoughts as one runs / walks. Some of these were about how great the weather is. It’s really hot already and summer is definitely here. (Sorry, Spring!) I ran into a friend who walks everywhere in our area. We had a chat about life, cancer and everything. She left me with the thought that she had read something today that said one shouldn’t only pray for oneself, but for our fellow humans too. I turned on my ipod again and the very next song (on shuffle) was Faith by George Michael. If that’s not a message from above, I don’t know what else is!!

I’m still scared. I would be inhuman if I wasn’t. I’m scared of the thought of having an operation. (The tiniest needle terrifies me.) I’m also scared of the feeling of having chemo, if I have to; and of what it may be like to be without a boob, if I have to have that done. I’m also scared of what I can’t control (control-freak that I am). But it’s okay. It will all be okay. Every one of those fears I can find a way to manage.

With faith. And a lot more!